The Great Christmas Card Caper
by exiled mind
Summary: Sirius and James get creative with the Christmas spirit, and Remus needs to figure out what went wrong. MWPP, slash.


When James and Sirius arrived – late – to breakfast on the last day before the Christmas holidays with ear-to-ear grins splitting their faces, Remus immediately narrowed his eyes at them, suspicion written clearly across his features. Peter, noticing the same curiousness, quickly looked around the Great Hall, determining the placement of all the professors, Filch, and the Prefects… just in case.

"'Lo mates," drawled Sirius, spooning himself a large amount of eggs and grabbing for the tureen of cold cider.

Noticing the stares fixed upon him, he opened his gray eyes wide and offered a supremely innocent expression in the direction of Remus and Peter.

"Something I can do for you fellows?"

"What's going on?" Remus didn't bother to hide his mistrust; with Sirius and James it was rarely misplaced.

When his boyfriend only shoved several strips of bacon into his mouth at once, Remus turned to James with his eyebrows raised, attempting a firm and unyielding expression.

"Oh nothing." James drank down a glass of pumpkin juice, likely thinking it created suspense, before continuing, "It's just that with the Christmas holidays coming up, this is the perfect chance to send out Christmas cards."

On cue, a flood of owls soared into the Hall and began delivering packages and letters to students. There was an owl for each of them, dropping a card on each of their plates.

Remus looked at his suspiciously, recognizing Sirius' writing despite a clumsy attempt at disguising the script on the front of the envelope.

"And this is?"

Sirius sighed dramatically. "Just as James said, Remus. Christmas cards. James and I did each other, and then we each did one of you."

Remus looked at them in disbelief. "Are you joking? We live in the same dorm, take the same classes, and sit next to each day at breakfast. Why on _earth_ are you using the owl post to deliver cards to us?"

Sirius and James looked at Remus with identical expressions of disbelief.

"Because that's just how it's _done_, Remus. Don't you know anything about the art and tradition of sending Christmas cards?" Sirius shook his head as if amused by the idea of simply _handing_ the cards over.

Remus just rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his breakfast.

"So?" asked Peter. "What's _in_ the cards?"

"Oh," said James, far too innocently as he reached up to muss his already-wild hair. "Typical Christmassy type things, you know, elves, hats, mistletoe..."

Remus stared hard at James, dropped his envelope onto the tabletop, and then scooted a foot or two down the long bench of the Gryffindor table.

"Right. Better stand back, Peter, they've probably charmed them to explode or something equally disruptive."

In the process of breaking the wax seal on the envelope, Sirius paused long enough to heave a large, dramatic sigh, "Honestly, Remus, you are _such_ a distrustful little wanker."

With that grand pronouncement, Sirius tore open his envelope and pulled out the card.

Nothing happened, and Remus sighed in relief. Then he tensed up again. There was no way this was as harmless as it seemed. Not when James and Sirius were involved.

The front of the card was simple, the phrase "Season's Greetings" in alternating silver and gold letters. Innocent enough, or perhaps _too_ innocent, really, considering the source and the recipient. Remus braced himself in case he needed to run and summon Madam Pomfrey.

"Boring," grumbled Sirius, heaving a disappointed sigh in James' direction.

James made a face at him as he ripped open the envelope of his own card.

Sirius flipped open his card. His eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open. At this extremely interesting reaction, both Remus and Peter leaned over the table in an attempt to get a better look at what the card contained. Sirius snapped the card shut and pulled it away from their curious eyes.

"Sirius? Are you… Are you blushing?" Remus asked, worry and amusement warring for dominance on his face.

Sirius didn't answer Remus, but growled when Peter tried to snatch the card from his hand.

Remus turned to James and opened his mouth to request an explanation, but he was halted by the look on James face. His expression was just as shocked as Sirius' had been, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. He too slammed his card shut before either of them could see its contents, and he even went so far as shove it underneath him so he was sitting on it.

James' eyes frantically searched up and down the table before locating whatever he seemed to be looking for and sighing in relief. Turning in the same direction, Remus saw Lily Evans sitting with her friends near the other end of the table.

Brow wrinkling in wariness, Remus thought for a moment. They wouldn't… It couldn't be…

Oh dear.

Turning back to his friends, his mouth open once again to try and demand an explanation, he was just in time to see James and Sirius snap out of their astonishment, draw their wands, and brandish them.

"Where did you get that? _How_did you get that?" James hissed, furious, but obviously attempting to be as quiet as possible to avoid attracting too much unwanted attention.

"I should ask you the same thing!" Sirius snarled back, also quietly.

Whatever was in those cards must be _very_ objectionable if they were both this angry and still trying to be quiet about it.

"I swear if you don't explain this _this instant_I will turn your eyes inside-out!" James was practically spitting out the words in Sirius' direction.

"I think _you_ should start, else you will find every hair burned off that overly large head of yours," Sirius responded.

Before the situation could escalate further, Remus grabbed Sirius and practically dragged him across the room. Peter did the same with James.

After calming James and Sirius down and ensuring they would each live through to lunchtime, at least, Remus ushered them all off to class. He had been unable to get Sirius to explain himself, and was treated to some extremely inventive cursing and threats directed towards his erstwhile best-mate. Peter was also unable to get any information out of James.

* * *

Sirius and Jamesshot each other dirty looks throughout morning classes, but were otherwise well behaved under Remus' watchful eye.

After bolting down a quick lunch, Remus met Peter up in their dorm, finding the other boy sitting on the bed and staring down at his open Christmas card. It had the same "Season's Greetings" message on the front that Sirius' had displayed.

Remus walked up and looked over his shoulder. Unlike Sirius and James, Peter made no attempt to hide the inside of his card. In fact, he seemed to be in a trance, staring down at its contents in astonishment.

Peter's card featured a sultry, dark-haired witch prancing about the frame, nude save for a cleverly placed garland over her generous "attributes". James hadn't lied about the mistletoe – a clump of it hung above the woman's head and she was making kissy-faces up at Peter and fiddling with the ends of the garland.

Remus rolled his eyes and collapsed back onto the bed, shaking his head in incredulity at the insanity of James and Sirius. If this was all it was, then why were they acting like idiots at breakfast?

Peter's card only made Remus more curious about the contents of the cards that had caused such a commotion that morning.

It took several moments for Peter to both tear his gaze away from the woman and subdue the redness that had risen in his cheeks. Once he did, he turned to Remus. "Well, I'm guessing James was the one to pick out my card."

"Indeed," said Remus dryly. "Seems like his style."

Peter cleared his throat loudly, and his eyes flicked back to the card, before he shut the cover firmly. "Yes, well. I guess that means Sirius probably picked yours. What's in it?"

"I don't know yet. I'm somewhat reluctant to find out."

"You'll have to eventually. Who knows? You might… enjoy it." Peter stood up and shoved his card into the drawer of his dresser, right on top of his pajamas.

Remus suspected she would be reappearing tonight after the lights were out and curtains drawn.

Remus waited for Peter to leave the room before he shoved his still unopened card inside a book on transfiguration theory and shoved it under his pillow. He would deal with it later.

* * *

That evening after dinner, Remus had the dormitory to himself. James had stomped off to Quidditch practice and Peter was distracting Sirius in the common room. Remus began to search the room.

It was fairly easy to find the card James had stuffed unimaginatively under his mattress, but Remus could find no trace of Sirius' card. He looked in all of his friend's usual hiding places – the sock drawer, laundry pile, inside his pillowcase, magically pinned in a fold of the bed curtains – to no avail.

Abandoning the search temporarily because he knew James would soon be returning from practice, Remus sat on his bed, James' card in his hand.

Remus opened the card, expecting a similar picture to what Peter had received, and received quite a shock.

Remus could see why James had reacted as intensely as he had, for there, peering from around the edge of the frame where she had hidden when he'd opened the cover, was the pretty face of Lily Evans. Oh dear.

Remus slammed the front of the card shut.

Remus had thought James had been worried that Lily would find him looking at a pornographic picture and think he was a pervert. He now realized why James had been so concerned for Lily's whereabouts – Lily would have killed him.

Slowly, painfully, and gleefully.

Oh dear, oh dear. Remus desperately prayed that she had clothing on. He squeezed his eyes shut. Remus suspected, however, that James wouldn't have threatened to hex Sirius into oblivion so fervently this morning had the picture been perfectly chaste.

Remus didn't want to open the card again. He felt as if he was infringing on Lily's privacy (and he supposed he was, in a way) but he needed to see how bad the damage was. He assumed that the amount of clothing Lily was lacking in the photograph was probably inversely proportional to the amount of time Sirius had left to live. It would be good to have a hint of how bad things were going to get.

He warily opened the cover again and took a deep breath. Opening his eyes, he saw that the picture of Lily had recognized him. She had sprung out from behind the frame and stood with one hand on her hip and the other in the air, being shaken firmly at him.

She was wearing a bikini, he was relieved to see, but it only just barely covered the important parts. Well, it was still better than that tinsel-witch frolicking about in Peter's dresser.

Lily was still obviously angry with him and her finger had turned into a tightly clenched fist. He could almost hear her voice lecturing him saying, "Remus John Lupin! You get those disgusting friends of yours under control or so help me…"

Taking a closer look Remus could see the ocean in the background, and the slope of a beach in the distance.

Remus wondered where Sirius had gotten the picture. He would have to pry the information out of Sirius this evening and attempt to apply damage control measures tomorrow morning. Assuming he could keep James from murdering Sirius in his sleep at the thought of Sirius having been cavorting around with the nearly naked object of James' affections.

Remus sighed.

That night, while waiting for his mates to either go to sleep or openly declare war, Remus finally collected the courage to open his own card.

Inside was a picture of Sirius, who was sporting a wicked grin, a single raised eyebrow, and a St. Nicholas hat.

And nothing else.

For modesty's sake the hat was not on Sirius' head, but instead held in his hands and covering up certain… bits.

Still, there was little left to the imagination.

As Remus surveyed the photo and tried to decide if he was more horrified or turned on, the curtains of his bed were yanked aside and Sirius clambered in beside him.

Noticing Remus' current preoccupation, Sirius grinned and placed a kiss on the back of Remus neck, just where he knew Remus liked it. Before he could comment, however, Remus spoke, "These cards… They were whose idea, exactly?"

"Well, mostly James', but I was the one who initially decided to put a fun little spin on it. 'Make the yuletide gay', and all that."

"Indeed. And the picture you chose for James' card?"

"Ah, you've found it then, have you? I nicked it off a friend of Lily's who went on holiday with her last summer. She took loads of pictures and I asked to see them. Pretended I was interested in a holiday at the beach myself, and wanted to see the area. Figure she won't notice if one picture is missing."

"So you didn't actually take the picture yourself, and at no time were you ever around Lily while she was wearing only a bikini?"

"Right."

"Well, you might want to tell that to James so he can stop jealously planning your demise."

"Yeah, I already did. We got it straightened out after he got back from practice." Sirius shrugged. "I thought he'd be _happy_ to receive such a kind and thoughtful gift. I wasn't even worried about it not being Christmas themed. I tried to charm elf ears onto her, but she kept pulling them off and stomping on them."

Remus grimaced. "Yeah, right. You knew he would be suspicious and jealous. You did it to rile him up, and all for your own amusement." Noticing that Sirius looked rather hurt at that, Remus amended his statement slightly, "Well, perhaps somewhat for his as well. I imagine he'll keep that around for a while."

Sirius grinned. "Imagine so." He paused and looked at Remus out of the corner of his eye. "Did you like yours?"

Remus chuckled softly and glanced down, heat flooding his face. "Yes. It was quite… creative. Nice use of props. The St. Nicholas hat was especially artistic."

"You like it?" Sirius grinned and rolled off the bed. After a moment he returned, having unearthed that same hat from somewhere. He then resumed his place in bed and tugged it on an unresisting Remus' head. "Ooh, sexy!"

"Right."

"No, really. Hey Santa? Can I sit on your lap?"

Without waiting for an answer, Sirius did just that, settling himself awkwardly on top of Remus, facing him, and wrapping his arms around Remus' neck. Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus' mouth, lengthy and sweet.

Remus' breathing hitched slightly as he felt the heat spread from his face down. He had a feeling they would need a _Silencio_ before long, and reached behind him for his wand. It took him a moment, because Sirius had started kissing him along his jaw and rubbing across his shoulders with firm hands. Finally grabbing the wand, he prepared to cast the spell, but paused for a moment as a thought struck him.

"Sirius?"

"Mmmhmm?" Sirius moved from Remus' neck down to his throat, causing Remus to forget his train of thought for a moment.

Clearing his throat, Remus continued. "What was in your card that got you so worked up?"

"You."

"And that made you threaten James?"

"Well, you _were_ pretty much naked."

Remus froze. "What?"

"Well, me too, if it helps. And there was a sheet. It covered most of the important parts."

"But- When- How?"

"Remember that time we left the Quidditch match with Hufflepuff early? And decided to have a little "sport" of our own while everyone was out celebrating?"

Remus swallowed visibly, remembering that day _quite_ well. "Uh-huh."

"Well, apparently James came up here looking for us when we'd lost track of time and fallen asleep. We hadn't closed the curtains or anything, and so he took a photograph to save for blackmail. He figured this was a better use for it though. I was pretty steamed at first-"

"Obviously."

"Obviously," Sirius agreed. "But I rather like it now that I've taken a better look. I didn't see that I was there too, you see, at first. Thought James was hopping about taking pictures of you naked willy-nilly. Got a bit miffed."

Remus closed his eyes as if in pain. "Show me the card."

"But Remus-"

"Show me!"

"It's all the way across the room, and we were in the middle of something." Sirius displayed an impressive pout. "You can indulge your odd kinks another time…"

Purposefully ignoring the second half of Sirius' complaint, Remus said, "I wouldn't call this the middle, Sirius."

Apparently taking that as a challenge, Sirius reached down and stroked Remus through the fabric of his pajama bottoms. It only took a moment before Remus' eyes went unfocused and then he dropped his head to Sirius' shoulder.

"So… later?" Sirius asked, amusement clear in his voice.

"Yeah, okay," Remus managed faintly, before groaning out, "_Silencio_," and tossing his wand behind him.

"That's what I figured," Sirius replied, before moving his lips to Remus' neck once again.


End file.
